Category: Newcomers

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CoDA Resources Newcomers

CoDA FAQs

  • My first meeting

     
  • Can I bring a friend?

    If a meeting is open* you are welcome to bring a friend or family member to that meeting.

    * Many meetings are open, but it’s good to check with the individual meeting.

    Your first meeting
  • Do I need to register to attend?

    No, all you do is turn up. If there are contact details listed, you can reach out. Alternatively just turn up and say that you are a newcomer. If there is a requirement to register to attend a meeting via a particular online platform, instructions will be stated in the meeting entry.

  • Is CoDA a religious programme?

    Definitely not, each member, if they decide to work a CoDA programme, defines a Higher Power of their understanding. This usually becomes clearer after you attend 6 meetings and hear the relevant steps being read.

  • There are no contact details for a CoDA group – is it still running?

    All meetings are autonomous and provide their own information. The most up-to-date information is listed on: CoDA UK Meetings List

  • My friend is codependent. How can I help them?

    You could provide a link to our website where there is more information. It is for each individual person to decide whether or not they wish to attend a meeting.

  • Meeting / Online meeting in my area.

    Online meetings are accessible nationwide. As a result they dont show on the CoDA meetings map.

    Did you know there are a host of CoDA groups in the UK and beyond, that meet online? Some are held online permanently. Here are just a few sources for finding a meeting which may match your schedule: Online CoDA Meetings – UK
    Online CoDA Meetings – Australia
    Online CoDA Meetings – Canada
    Online CoDA Meetings – Rest of the World

  • I need advice on my life/relationship

    CoDA is a fellowship that doesn’t offer advice or replace counsellors. Many members found that attending six meetings provided better insight and direction for themselves.Your First CoDA meeting

  • What does working the programme offer?

    The patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly useful to newcomers.

    Many others before you, have also identified similar traits and patterns, and came to make a choice to learn about CoDA and what working the programme can offer them.

    Find out more about Patterns of Recovery

  • What does “principles before personalities” really mean?

    It means we practice honesty, humility, compassion and tolerance, and patience with everyone whether or not we like them.

    Putting principles before personalities teaches us to treat everyone equally.

  • What are the symptoms of codependence?

    The phrase symptom rarely appears in CoDA literature. What we do offer from our experience are characteristic attitudes and behaviors that describe what our codependent histories have been like.

    Find out more about five patterns of codependence noted in CoDA literature:

    – Denial
    – Low self-esteem
    – Compliance
    – Control
    – Avoidance

    via the more frequently referenced Patterns & Characteristics of Codependency

  • How do I become a member?

    The only requirement for membership in CoDA is a desire for healthy and loving relationships. Tradition 3. Simply by attending CoDA meetings you become a member; there are no fees to pay. You do not need to register or sign up in advance.

  • Do I need professional help if Im codependent?

    Many members of CoDA’s Fellowship seek the help of the professional community. It’d an individual choice, not a requirement.

    CoDA is a nonprofessional organization and cannot assess a member’s need for professional guidance, counselling or therapy.

    Many of us seek professional help for issues related to our codependence that are beyond the scope of the experience, strength, and hope that the program and our Fellowship offer.

    Extract from: CoDA Blue Book – Commonly Asked Questions

  • Enmeshment/Detachment/Avoidance

    In CoDA, detachment is a conscious act of self-care. We choose to disengage emotionally from people and/or leave situations that could harm us. Avoidance is often an unconscious, dysfunctional coping mechanism that allows us to avoid self-accountability, ignore people or situations, hide from the truth, or run away from our responsibilities. Avoidance is often driven by our fear of experiencing rejection, anger, disappointment or shame.

    CoDA Australia – Sponsorship – Day 12
  • What is healthy communication?

    Healthy communication is clear, concise, and honest. To improve our communication, we first need to know our hearts and minds clearly.

    Codependents continually need to ask:

    “What do I think, feel, and need?”

    Find out more about
    Patterns of Recovery
    Communication & Recovery
    CoDA Communications Guidelines

  • Parenting / Re-Parenting /Inner Child

    Parenting or re-parenting ourselves means recognising we are capable human beings who are choosing to become fully-functioning, emotionally healthy adults. Growing up in dysfunctional families left us with many unmet needs and we may not have felt valued or loved by our parents. As adults in recovery we become aware of our childhood wounds and we have the opportunity to fill those childhood voids.

    CoDA Australia – Sponsorship – First 14 Days (Day 12) CoDA Member Shares – “Inner Child”
    CoDA Reparenting our Inner Child *NEW*
  • How is CoDA different from other 12 step programmes such as AA and Al-Anon?

    Other 12 Step groups support people or friends of people, who have addictions such as alcohol. CoDA supports people to create healthy relationships starting with themselves, whether or not addictions exist in their lives.

    Am I Co-Dependent?
  • Does CoDA provide counselling?

    CoDA is a 12 Step Fellowship and peer support group. It aims to create a safe environment for those wishing for recovery from dysfunctional relationships, providing anonymity and freedom from judgement or feedback.

    In CoDA we share our own experience, strength, and hope. We do not give advice.

    Establishing Boundaries CoDA Australia – (Day 6)
    CoDA Members – may arrange OUTREACH calls
  • What is the difference between CoDA, Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA/ACoA)?

    Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics are Fellowships for those who are spouses, family members or significant others of alcoholics. CoDA is a Fellowship for those who have difficulty in maintaining healthy, functional relationships with others, regardless of whether those others have alcohol, drug or other problems. Members of CoDA may also be members of these other Twelve Step Fellowships.

    Am I Co-Dependent?
  • How much does it cost to attend?

    There is no charge for attendance. CoDA meetings are self supporting. Contribute as you are able.

  • My situation is…

    Regardless of your situation, your first step is to go to a meeting. Go to at least 6 meetings before you decide whether you can get what you need in CoDA. Meetings are like people, they have different personalities. Try different meetings to find one with which you can relate. Read CoDA literature and Keep Coming Back.

  • What is a CoDA meeting?

    A CoDA meeting is a group of people who come together around their shared desire for healthy and loving relationships.

    Four foundational documents form the structure of every meeting: Welcome, Preamble, 12 Steps, 12 Traditions.

    These documents are read at every meeting to promote CoDA unity. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon CoDA unity. [Co-Dependents Anonymous, Tradition] 1

  • Why do we practice positive affirmations?

    Positive affirmations are a powerful tool in the Recovery process.

    Codependence is a condition caused by growing up in a shame-based, emotionally dishonest society which teaches us false beliefs about the nature and purpose of life.

    A selection of positive affirmations

    CoDA Arizona frequently share excepts of a comparable nature from In This Moment a book which is published by CoRE, and available for purchase via CoDA Literature

  • Where do I begin?

    Recovery is a process that has no right or wrong starting point. Simply begin where you are and let the information come to you. This answer is often frustrating to newcomers, but each person is an individual with a unique life and set of circumstances, so a single answer is not realistic. The guidance offered here is to take it slowly, read literature, attend meetings, share your journey and take a deep breath.

  • I hear people talk about the tools of recovery. What are they?

    Find out a little about just a few ways in which you can practice new habits

    CoDA Canada – Tools of Recovery
  • Why no advice?

    In CoDA, we have a strong focus on not giving advice. Not asking for advice and not giving advice can let us see how a safe, trustworthy and equal relationship feels.

    Instead, we focus on sharing our own experience and hearing the experience of others.

    Codependency and Recovery – the differences CoDAUK – Sharing Guidelines

  • Literature

     
  • How do I order literature?

    If your enquiry is about how to order literature, please contact the approved literature supplier here: https://www.codaliterature.co.uk/

  • I’ve heard mention of free CoDA leaflets: what are they and where can I find them?

    CoDA offers a set of free leaflets covering newcomers, those working the steps, sponsorship and beyond. Download below:


    Am I Codependent?
    Attending Meetings
    Communication and Recovery
    Establishing Boundaries in Recovery
    Patterns of Recovery
    Recovery from Codependence – An Introduction
    Sponsorship in CoDA
    Using the Twelve Traditions
    Welcome to Co-Dependents Anonymous
    What is CoDA?
    Your First Meeting
    CoDA Australia – First 14 Days
    CoDA Canada – Newcomers Package
  • Linguistic diversity

    Sometimes a newcomer or CoDA member may come to a meeting which is conducted in a language that is not their first language. While it is our primary purpose to carry the message, it may seem unlikely that we can help when we do not speak the same language.

    Please see overview of CoDA’s primary literature from around the globe:


    Farsi (site down atm)
    French
    German
    Hebrew
    Icelandic
    Italian
    Portugese – CoDA Brazil
    Russian
    Spanish – CoDA Columbia
    Spanish – CoDA Mexica
    Spanish – CoDA Spain Swedish

  • Meetings

     
  • Attending meetings

    Meetings are a safe environment without crosstalk or feedback, created by guidelines which cross all CoDA meetings.

    Each person speaking is listened to without interruption or comment, and is not given advice.

    For some of us, this can be the first time in our lives that we are listened to without being interrupted, misinterpreted, or criticised. There is never any requirement to speak if we do not wish to.


    Patterns of Recovery
    NSC – Meetings Update *NEW*
    CoDAUK – Sharing Guidelines
    Guidelines for sharing – overview CoDA Ireland, CoDA Canada, CoDA Australasia
  • Can I take my dog to a meeting?

    Venues are required by law to allow Guide & Assistance dogs. Individual meetings need to allow this, as otherwise they’d be going against the Equality Act.

    Emotional security dogs are not covered by this.

    If the venue allows non assistance dogs, then it would be up to the individual meeting group conscience to decide (some group members may be allergic or fearful etc).

    While one dog may be fine, more than one dog may be problematic.

    The Equality Act 2010 in the UK outlines the rights of assistance dog owners to access public spaces.

    The Equality Act and Assistance/Guide Dogs

    Face to Face meetings in the UK
  • Could you send me details of meetings in my area?

    Please refer to the full list of active meetings for the most up-to-date information we hold, which includes online meetings that you can attend from anywhere in the world: CoDA Meetings

  • Are there meetings outside the UK which I can attend? How do I find out more?

    For meetings in Ireland and other countries around the world, please see:
    – links to CoDA websites across the globe.
    – coda.org online meetings listing meetings running around the clock, across continents

  • Is <insert name> meeting on tonight/still running?

    All meetings are autonomous; please inquire directly to the meeting Contact. You will be able to see the date that their information was last updated on the meeting entry. CoDA Meetings

  • How do I list a new CoDA meeting?

    You can find details on: Meeting Details

  • How do I start a CoDA meeting?

    You can find details on: How to start a meeting

  • Tradition 7 – CoDA Donations

    If your enquiry is about how to send your meeting’s Seventh Tradition contributions to CoDA UK, please click here and follow the instructions.

  • My meeting doesn’t stock literature / we run online – where can I find CoDA literature?

    Printed – CoDA Conference Endorsed Literature is available within the UK and for the European Union from: CoDA Literature

    eBooks / eBooklets/ pdfs – of CoDA Conference Endorsed literature are available for purchase from: Co-Dependents Recovery Society

  • Can we use outside literature at our meeting?

    It is strongly suggested that CoDA groups use CoDA Conference Endorsed and Board approved literature.

    However, the group can be informed by group conscience to choose to use outside literature.

    See CoDA Meeting handbook for guidelines offered in CoDA traditions page 8
    CoDA Policy on Outside LiteratureWhy is CoDA Conference Endorsed Literature Vital?

  • CoDA Approval – What is it?

    CoDA Approval is a suggested requirement to ensure that the Traditions are being adhered to and so that any outside event is in line with the founding CoDA principles

    See more – on “About CoDA”
  • My venue has asked if CoDA have a “Safeguarding Policy”. What is it? What is its purpose?

    CoDA UK prepared a document for all meetings. It offers guidance on meetings, sponsorship and protecting individuals safely within CoDA.

    CoDA UK Safeguarding Policy
  • What is crosstalk?

    Crosstalk can be: giving unsolicited feedback, advice-giving, answering, making you and we statements, interrogating, debating, criticising, controlling or dominating. It may also include: minimising another person’s feelings or experiences, physical contact or touch, body movements, such as nodding one’s head, calling another person present by name, or verbal sounds and noises.

    Guide to Crosstalk
  • What is the 13th step/13th stepping?

    13th stepping in CoDA can be clarified and addressed openly, with no shame or blame. 13th Stepping is sometimes referred to as “hitting on newcomers.” It can also simply be defined as making inappropriate romantic and/or sexual advances to members, under the guise of helping with recovery.

    13th stepping could include attending only to find dates. It also could include sexual innuendos and joking to control or embarrass someone else in the programme.

    CoDA Canada – outline on 13th stepping

  • Dealing with disagreements – what is the thirty second rule?

    “Occasionally, a member(s) may engage in unsafe behaviour by not respecting the boundaries of others, or someone may perceive that to happen. In such a situation, any member may call for a “time out” or “thirty seconds”.

    During a time out or thirty seconds, everyone ceases talking and spends time seeking guidance from Higher Power. At the end of the thirty seconds, someone calls “time” and members may choose to say the Serenity Prayer before resuming the meeting.” – Disagreement, Mediation, and Resolution, page 1.
    Dealing with Disagreements

  • What is a group inventory?

    Twelve Step groups take an inventory of themselves from time to time. This tool can give the group perspective on how the meeting is doing. It helps to show both strengths and weaknesses. This process can keep us on the road toward being an ever-safer group. It helps us to carry the CoDA message of recovery. CoDA.org – Group Inventory Guidelines.

  • Sharing, no crosstalk

    After the opening of meetings, there is usually a time of open sharing where members tell smaller pieces of their individual recovery stories. Some groups may divide up into smaller groups of about 6-10 for sharing time. There is only one paramount guideline in sharing: “No crosstalk”. We make no comments about other people’s sharing and do not give advice.

    “Communication & Recovery” “Crosstalk guidelines” “Experiences with Crosstalk” (Audio share) For Safety Sake – Guidelines CoDAUK – Sharing Guidelines “Healthy Meetings” (Sample) “Newcomer Booklet” (DRAFT)
  • Does CoDA UK have an umbrella insurance policy that would cover our meeting for free?

    No. CoDA does not have an umbrella insurance policy that covers individual meetings. Intergroups or meetings may organize and purchase their own insurance.

  • Does my meeting need Public Liability Insurance?

    In 2019, CoDA UK contacted all in-person groups requesting they check if the rent they pay for their rooms includes Public Liability Insurance. Many groups discovered they were not covered which could lead to the person signing the lease being personally liable to meet costs in the event of a claim. This led to CoDA UK purchasing a group policy for those groups who wanted to be covered.

    Read about this here

  • What’s the role of a group conscience in a healthy CoDA meeting?

    Guidance for CoDA groups can be found in this piece of free CoDA literature: Healthy Meetings Matter

  • Sponsorship

     
  • I can’t find a sponsor.

    We do not keep records of volunteers willing to sponsor at this moment. If you are unable to find a sponsor at your home meeting, some people will attend as many different meetings as they can and ask individuals directly if they would be willing to sponsor them. Some meetings pass around a form where members write down if they are willing to sponsor.

    You could reach out to the member networks to join a CoDA Step Group Online Find out more

    Start your own Step Workgroup

    Or you could attend a sponsorship workshop

  • What’s co-sponsoring and can I try it?

    Co-sponsoring occurs when two CoDA members sponsor each other. Co-sponsors meet or call regularly to share what they are learning about the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. Co-sponsors may choose to have another CoDA member guide them, especially through difficult situations or when they get stuck.

    CoDA UK members have set up numerous WhatsApp groups to offer support to CoDA members looking to start working the steps. Find out more

  • What is a step group and how can I join one?

    Another option to working the steps is to start a step group with members of your home group, which is a great way to start working the steps together. Find out more

    CoDA UK members have set up numerous WhatsApp groups to offer support to CoDA members looking to start working the steps. Find out more

  • What is a virtual Sponsorship workshop?

    We have held a number of Zoom Sponsorship Workshops. Let us know if you want to be on the mailing list for future workshops by emailing: sponsorship@codauk.org

    Listen to excerpts from CoDA Canada Sponsorship Workshop

  • Can you tell me more about how to run a sponsorship workshop ?

    Here is a written script that any CoDA member can use to lead a sponsorship workshop: Find out more

  • I’d like to sponsor but I’m not sure I have enough recovery

    A number of member networks have been set up including ‘CoDA Sponsor Support’ where more experienced sponsors are happy to speak to those thinking about sponsoring. Head over to Member Networks to find out more

    Resources for Sponsors:12 Tips for Sponsors CoDA – 30 Questions The First 14 Days
  • I’m not sure I’m ready to start the steps yet but I’d like to share with another CoDA Member

    A number of member networks have been set up including ‘CoDA Outreach Group’ where you can arrange an outreach call with another CoDA member. Head over to Member Networks to find out more

  • How to Find a Sponsor

    If you’re looking for a sponsor, reading the list of suggested Sponsor Characteristics in the handbook Sponsorship: What’s In It For Me? (pg 8 & 9) and looking for someone who has the recovery you want.

    It can take time to get to know someone well enough to ask them to be your sponsor. Talking with them after the meeting can give you a deeper understanding of the person. If you find someone that resonates with you, you can ask them how they sponsor and share what you are looking for before deciding to work together.

    Other sponsorship options include: co-sponsorship, online sponsors and phone sponsors.

    Sponsorship in CoDA

  • Information for Professionals

     
  • Can a facility host a CoDA meeting?

    Hospitals and Treatment centres can provide space for CoDA meetings to meet.

    There is literature available on the website that can be downloaded and copied for use with co-dependents as long as there are no fees associated with their use and Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc.’s copyright information is included on the copy.

    In the US, CoDA sessions are regularly run within institutions/by institutions and local groups. The team have prepped a range of documents to support this activity.

    You can find:

    Hospitals & Institutions Handbook

    A meeting outline

    Free CoDA material

    Samples of our core Blue Book

    Information for Professionals

    Sample posters

  • Can a therapist start/facilitate a CoDA meeting?

    We ask that therapists, life coaches, mental health professionals, and all paid professionals start meetings or participate in meetings only as an individual recovering codependent and never in a professional capacity.

    In “Building CoDA Community: Healthy Meetings Matter” page 17 states:

    In CoDA, no one is paid to share experience, strength, and hope, whether at meetings, as sponsors, or in any other Twelve Step related activity.

    Professionals attending CoDA meetings do so as members only, and do not use the Fellowship to further their business interests.

  • May I, as a professional, attend a CoDA meeting?

    You are welcome to attend any “open” meeting. Identify yourself by first name only, not as a professional. You are not required to share.

    Please do not give advice; sharing is about our own experiences.

    There are no dues or fees; we are self supporting through our own contributions.

  • May I share CoDA materials with my clients?

    You can find pamphlets and book samples online, and other service documents, as well as meetings, by going to the CoDA (US) website. An Introductory brochure is located on the US website: Information for Professionals

    Email the CoDA UK Public Information team for more details.

  • In Fellowship

     
  • On anonymity

    Excerpt from: ‘Traditionally Speaking’ – The concept of anonymity can be confusing. There are varying levels of anonymity. We remain completely anonymous at the level of press, radio and film. That’s clear…We introduce ourselves by first names only – that’s explicitly stated in the meeting format.

    …we help carry CoDA’s message without wanting, expecting, or getting credit or recognition. It is good for CoDA and a healthy spiritual exercise for the individual.

  • What drives our need to control and avoid others?

    Many of us ask aren’t some of these behaviours healthy> The answer can be found in the motivation for our behaviours…

    Fear…Oftentimes our passivity, silence, manipulation, isolation, rage, violence, denial or even deceit, are our expressions of fear. Other feelings that show up as fear are: concern, anxiety, nervousness, and feeling uptight or scared.

    Shame…diminishes our true sense of identity and destroys our belief that we are loving human beings…

  • Feelings

    We may enter the programme
    “…ruled by fear, anger, resentment, guilt”…as part of the programme:

    – attending meetings
    – listening to others share
    – working the steps

    “…we can learn to be in the moment.
    We “…give ourselves permission to be human.”
    Step 3 extracts


    CoDA shares – feelings
    Patterns & Characteristics
  • How do I find out about events and retreats?

    CoDA UK meeting Group Service Reprasentatives (GSRs), meeting contacts and individual members may join the CoDA UK mailing list, to receive CoDA UK communications on topics such as upcoming workshops, retreats, CoDA committee meetings and study sessions and other key information.

    – Please send an email to: communications@codauk.org to sign up to the mailing list. By doing so, you agree to opt in to receive communications from CoDA UK. You can remove your name from this mailing list at any time by emailing communications@codauk.org.

    – Check online CoDA UK – News and Events page online

    – Or subscribe to CoDA UK Noticeboard – whatsapp channel

  • How do I maintain healthy boundaries when using social media as part of my recovery?

    Anonymity and Social Media: “we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, television and all other forms of public communication.” Tradition 11.

    The principle of anonymity is essential in the Codependents Anonymous fellowship at all levels. As the spiritual foundation of all traditions, the respect for anonymity is paramount for CoDA members to uphold. Types of communications, especially social media, can easily result in breaches in anonymity.

    Find out more: CoDA.org – Outreach overview

  • Connecting members (GSR)

    A Role central to the function of CoDA in any region

    •  Healthy meetings connect with the CoDA Fellowship beyond the meeting room walls. Groups join together to form ‘Intergroups¹’, to accomplish things that a single group cannot, such as maintaining up-to-date meetings lists and sponsoring events… Strong Intergroups¹ are the key to the success of CoDA in general. CoDA Intergroups¹ are made up of Group Service Representatives (GSRs) from area meetings and interested CoDA members from the local Fellowship

    .

    •  All CoDA groups are encouraged to send a GSR to Intergroup¹ meetings. All members of the Fellowship are welcome to attend and participate in their Intergroup¹. A sense of community at the local level leads to success in attracting and sustaining the involvement of members of the fellowship in service work and in community building activities. Some consider it a way of practicing and demonstrating responsibility and accountability to self and to others, while working a program of recovery and remaining open to Higher Power’s will.

    (Excerpt from the FSM, and “The Newcomer’s Handbook” and “Building CoDA Community – Healthy Meetings Matter” booklets)

    ¹ Since arriving in the UK in 1989 there have been an array of CoDA intergroup configurations, and 1 Voting Entity. We now have multiple Voting Entities, and no active Intergroups in the UK (as of 2023).

  • How do I get involved in service?

    There are many ways to be involved, from the local meeting to the UK Regions, NSC and CoDA World.

    Service includes setting up for a meeting, leading meetings, starting a new meeting and representing your group at the local community, group or Voting Entity.

    If you are a writer, please submit a recovery story to be added to CoDA Shares.

    Take a look at the different committees listed on the website and follow up with one that seems interesting or has an opening. As at the group level, each service position has a term limit to ensure healthy rotation of service in CoDA.

  • I’ve heard about CoDA workshops but never been to one. I’m not sure what to expect?

    CoDA events and workshops come in all shapes and sizes. There’s no need to actively participate in sessions unless you feel comfortable.

    Events are written, prepared and presented by a range of recovering codependents.

    CoDA Arizona Events CoDA Canada – Workshop recordings CoDA Shares – event recordings 2007 to date CoDA Tucson workshop recordings (audio plays on open) Desert CoDA – recordings and Events Recovery Speakers

    CoDA UK News and Events detail can be found online, or via CoDA UK Noticeboard – a whatsapp channel

    SoCal CoDA – event recordings

  • Ive heard there are free leaflets about the STEPS – where can I find them?

    Shared with thanks to CoDA Canada, and the original holders of copyright CoDA Inc.

    Step 1
    Step 2
    Step 3
    Step 4
    Step 5
    Step 6
    Step 7
    Step 8
    Step 9
    Step 10
    Step 11
    Step 12

  • Today we are victims no more

    A couple of extracts from CoDA Blue Book:

    On unmanagability

    Chances are that by the time we reached CoDA our lives were out of control. The coping skills we had relied on for a lifetime were no longer working. We were the victims of compulsive way of behaving so subtly powerful and damaging that no ordinary means could break it.

    Step One – CoDA Blue Book – extract

    CoDA Shares by Step
    CoDA 12 x 12 sample (PDF)
    Establishing Boundaries (PDF)
  • Tools of recovery

    An extract from the CoDA 12 x 12 book:

    As we work Step One, we begin to find the tools of recovery. Most of us find that using our CoDA literature, as well as listening to others as they share their codependent characteristics is helpful to the identification process required in Step One

    Step One – CoDA 12 x 12 Green Book – extract

    CoDA Shares by Step
    CoDA 12 x 12 sample (PDF)
    Establishing Boundaries (PDF)
  • What drives our need to control and avoid others?

    Many of us ask aren’t some of these behaviours healthy> The answer can be found in the motivation for our behaviours…

    Fear…Oftentimes our passivity, silence, manipulation, isolation, rage, violence, denial or even deceit, are our expressions of fear. Other feelings that show up as fear are: concern, anxiety, nervousness, and feeling uptight or scared.

    Shame…diminishes our true sense of identity and destroys our belief that we are loving human beings…

  • Website queries

     
  • Opening PDFs / Documents / Links – to leaflets etc – nothing happens?

    Certain conditions on your computer, such as security settings or browser cookies, can prevent you from viewing a PDF.

    Find out more

  • Treasury Queries

     
  • Anonymising Paypal donations

    You will find more support – both short explanation, and indepth support from the treasurer here: Find out more

  • Anonymising Paypal donations

    You will find more support – both short explanation, and indepth support from the treasurer here: Find out more

  • Does my group need PLI Insurance?

    Read more about this here

  • Steps to setting up a PayPal account using a new email account:

    To find out more about this challenge – head over to the Treasurers page Find out more




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Newcomers

My first meeting

To translate to your preferred language

What is CoDA?

“Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of people whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships.”
“We have all learned to survive life, but in CoDA we are learning to live life. Through applying the Twelve Steps and principles found in CoDA to our daily life and relationships, both present and past, we can experience a new freedom from our self defeating lifestyles.”

¹ Co-Dependents Anonymous, Welcome.
² Co-Dependents Anonymous, Preamble.

What is Codependency?

The following Patterns and Characteristics are offered as a tool to aid self-evaluation, which may be particularly helpful to newcomers. In CoDA, we identify 5 main patterns: Denial, Low Self Esteem, Compliance, Control and Avoidance.

These are some characteristics:

Codependents often…

  • perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
  • attempt to convince others what to think, do or feel.
  • freely offer advice and direction without being asked.
  • compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection and other people’s anger.
  • judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
  • do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons.
  • have difficulty identifying what they are feeling.
  • put aside their own interests in order to do what others want.

From Am I Codependent (PDF)

A Typical Meeting

A typical meeting

You will be very welcomed at the meeting. Some meetings have greeters at the door, and there is always tea, coffee, and biscuits available before, during and after meetings.

Meetings typically begin with either the Serenity Prayer or the CoDA Opening Prayer.

In some online meetings, participants may choose to sign in using just their first name and the initial of their surname.

Typically, the four ‘foundational documents’ – the CoDA Preamble, Welcome, and the CoDA Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions – are read, with some meetings also including additional readings.

Some meetings rotate formats, featuring speakers one week, a reading or Step study the next, followed by a topic or Tradition study. Time is usually set aside for sharing and reflection, though there’s no obligation to speak; many people simply prefer to listen.

Many meetings have a designated newcomer rep who is available for support, and all meetings include dedicated sharing time. After the meeting, there is usually 5-10 minutes for fellowship and additional questions. Often, people may continue the conversation by going out for tea or coffee together.

A ‘Seventh Tradition’ donation is collected to help cover expenses like literature and rent, but there’s no obligation to contribute.

Who can attend?

Anyone who wishes to attend a Codependents Anonymous meeting is welcome to attend.

“The only requirement for membership in CoDA is a desire for healthy and loving relationships”.

Co-Dependents Anonymous, Tradition Three

Do I need to sign up?

There is no need to register. You can just drop in. Meeting information can be found on the CoDA UK site. A group contact can provide you with additional information.

How much does it cost?

There is no charge. CoDA meetings are self supporting. Contribute as you are able. CoDA accepts no advertising and no sponsorship by any outside entity.

Can I bring a friend?

If a meeting is an ‘open’ meeting, and most are, you are welcome to bring a friend or family member

Can I get advice?

CoDA is a 12-step fellowship that provides peer support. We do not offer professional advice or serve as a substitute for counselling. Members share their personal experiences and paths to recovery.

Sharing / Crosstalk etc

The No-Crosstalk Rule
“Basically, any sharing which is not simply one’s sharing honestly about themselves.”

“Crosstalk happens when you interrupt, or turn into a therapist/parent/advisor by telling the person what they should do, or get into a conversation about what the other person is talking about.”
From Experiences with Crosstalk (Sample) (Buy booklet)

You will have the option to share if you choose, but it is not mandatory. Newcomers often share their reasons for attending. Some meetings offer dedicated groups for newcomers. Most sharing lasts 2 to 3 minutes, and we do not provide comments or advice.

Is CoDA a religious programme? About God?

The CoDA programme is regarded as ‘spiritual’ in the broadest sense, because it focuses on inner personal growth and transformation. Members come from diverse backgrounds, including various religious faiths, as well as agnostic or atheist perspectives. Everyone is welcome in CoDA.

Anonymity

Anonymity is a fundamental principle of our fellowship. Our identities and personal sharing remain confidential within the group. Tradition Twelve emphasises that by not placing focus on individual identities, we create a space dedicated to recovery. At the conclusion of each meeting, we are reminded: “Who you see here, what is said here, when you leave here, let it stay here.”


What is CoDA?
EN | DE | ES | LV | FR | PT | RU

Your First Meeting
EN | DE | ES | FR | RU

Communication & Recovery
EN | ES | PT | RU

Sharing Guidelines

For Safety Sake / No Crosstalk
EN | ES | FR | IT | RU

Newcomers Package – CoDA Canada
EN | CN | JP

Patterns of Recovery
EN | DE | ES | FR | IL | IS | LV | NL | PT | RU

Recovery Patterns Progress Scale – CoDA Canada *NEW*
EN

See also
Member shares

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CoDA Meetings Update *NEW*

NSC guidelines for running meetings and events with a specific focus

When running a meeting or an event with a specific focus, for example men’s meetings, women’s meetings, LGBTQIA+ groups etc, it’s important to ensure that all those who seek recovery are made welcome, and to remember that CoDA has no opinion on outside issues.

The CoDA programme emphasises the spiritual principles of acceptance, fairness, equality and respect for individual rights. We strive to practice these principles in all areas of the Fellowship and our lives.

Thus we do not question anyone else’s identity, presentation or preferred pronouns. In this way we maintain a boundary in order to create a safe, supportive, and welcoming environment.

This is in accordance with CoDA’s primary purpose: to carry the message to other codependents who still suffer.

CoDA has no opinion on outside issues…
Tradition 10

The only requirement for membership in CoDA is a desire for healthy and loving relationships
Tradition 3

Each group has but one primary purpose: to carry its message to other codependents who still suffer.
Tradition 5

Suggested announcement:

At this meeting (or event) all people are welcomed and respected. In CoDA the emphasis is on our individual growth and on taking responsibility for our own recovery without judging others. Thus we do not question anyone else’s identity, presentation or preferred pronouns. In this way we maintain a clear boundary, and we create a safe, supportive and inclusive environment for everyone.

If you think that this boundary has not been respected during the meeting or event, please ask the scriptreader or host to read this announcement again.

Proposed and seconded – all members voted in favour

See also

Sharing
Who are the NSC?
Meeting Minutes

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Welcome *NEW*

Across Borders

These recordings are made freely available for use by all CoDA groups and members and may be used and redistributed for free maintaining attribution to the speaker event organisers.

May you find what you need from the recordings.

To turn on subtitles, to read in your preferred language – on a PC(Windows+Ctrl+L), on Apple, on iOS, on Android

Australasia – Sharing ESH
Hawaii – Bill W
Iran – Mohsen
Kenya – Alice
Mexico
Portugal – Sindai
Scotland – Charlie
Spain – Pilar
US – CoDA 101 – Welcome – CoDA Co Founder & CoDA Arizona team

Many more shares available via…

CoDA Shares

Have a question ?

FAQS / Email the team!

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What is Codependence?

Somewhere along this road we learn about codependence. We hear about it from a friend or a therapist. We see it mentioned in the news. Many of us wonder if codependence describes who we are.

Codependence is a disease that deteriorates our souls. It affects our personal lives, our families, children, friends, relatives, our businesses and careers, our health, and our spiritual growth. It is debilitating, and, if left untreated, causes us to become more destructive to ourselves and others. Many of us come to a point when we must look beyond ourselves for help.

It all begins with an honest look at ourselves…1
 

Am I Codependent?

Personal crises or unbearable, chronic, emotional pain brought many of us to CoDA. We came to our first meeting feeling hopeless and helpless. We wondered why our efforts to fix ourselves and others were not working, no matter how hard we tried. We had come to a crossroad: continue our old ways of coping or look for a new way out of our pain.

For self evaluation, we offer a list of common attributes and behaviour patterns that CoDA members have observed in our own lives.2

See also
Members shares “Patterns”

Excerpts from Patterns and Characteristics leaflet(1), and Co-Dependents Anonymous, Blue Book(2) may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. Parts of these documents may be reprinted from the website www.coda.org (CoDA) for use by members of the CoDA Fellowship.

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Free CoDA Leaflets & Samples

Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of people whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships. The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships.

CoDA Preamble


CoDA offers a set of free leaflets covering newcomers, those working the steps, sponsorship and beyond, which you can download below.

Leaflets etc

Patterns, 12 Steps,
Prayers and More

Newcomers

Am I Codependent?
EN | ES 

Attending Meetings
EN | ES

Newcomer Package
(CoDA Canada)
EN | CN | JP

Patterns and Characteristics
EN | DE | ES | FR | IS | IT | NL | PT | RU

Welcome
EN | DE | ES | NL | PT | RU | SE

What is CoDA?
EN | DE | ES | IT | LV | FR | PT | RU

Your First Meeting
EN | DE | ES | FR | RU

English only

Reparenting our Inner Child

Recovery

Communication & Recovery
EN | ES | PT | RU

Dealing with Disagreements
EN | RU

Establishing Boundaries in Recovery
EN | FR | ES | RU

Experiences with Crosstalk
EN (Sample) | ES (Leaflet) | IS | RU

Healthy Meetings Matter
EN | ES

Patterns of Recovery
EN | DE | ES | FR | IL | IS | LV | NL | PT | RU

Progress Scale (CoDA Canada)
EN | FR

Recovery from Codependence
EN | RU

Recovery Patterns
EN  | ES  |  FR |  HE | PT  |  RU

Using the Twelve Traditions
EN | ES  | RU

English only

CoDA Literature is Vital

Codependency & Recovery the Differences

Recovery Patterns (Intro)

Recovery Patterns – I

Recovery Patterns – We

Work the Steps!

I am willing to Sponsor
I need a Sponsor

Sponsorship in CoDA
EN  |  ES  |  DE  |  HE  |  IS  |  PT  |  RU

30 Questions
EN  |  ES  |  RU

40 Questions
EN |  RU

12 Tips for Sponsors
EN  |  ES  |  RU

Working the Steps as a Group (inc script)
EN

12 Step Prayers (EN)
Step 1
Step 2
Step 3
Step 4
Step 5
Step 6
Step 7
Step 8
Step 9
Step 10
Step 11
Step 12

12 Step Prayers (FR)

Prayers

Serenity Prayer
EN | CZ | DE | ES | FR | IT

Long Serenity Prayer
EN | DE | ES

Opening Prayers
EN | CZ | FR | IS | RU

Closing Prayer
EN | CZ | FR | IS | RU

Recovery Prayer
EN | FR

CoDA Step Prayers
EN | FR | RU

CoDA Tradition Prayers
EN | PT

English only
Healing Prayer
Service Prayer

Meeting Docs

All documents read in a meeting / supporting meetings

Foundational

The four foundational docs read at every meeting:

Preamble
EN  |  DE  |  ES  |  FR  |  IT  |  RU

Welcome
EN  |  DE  |  ES  |  FR  | IT  | NL  |  PT  |  RU

12 Steps
EN |  CZ |  DE | FR |  ES |  HE |  IS  |  IT  |  LV  |  PT |  RU

12 Traditions
EN |  CZ |  DE | FR |  ES |  HE  |  IS | IT |  LV | PT  |  RU

Additional Docs

For Safety Sake / No Crosstalk
EN | ES | FR | IT | RU

12 Promises
EN | CZ | DE | ES |  HE |  IS |  IT |  LV |  PT |  RU

12 Service Concepts
EN | DE | ES | FR | PT | RU

Affirmations
 EN  |  ES  | PT  |  RU

English only

Sharing Guidelines

Group Conscience (page 22)

Group Inventory Guidelines

Meeting Service Positions (page 15)

Fellowship Service Manual

FSM Part 1 – Structure and General Information – intended for all members of CoDA

FSM Part 2 – Meeting Handbook is the CoDA Meeting Handbook –
EN  |  CN  |  DE  |   ES  |  IT  |  JP  |  RU

FSM Part 3 – Guidelines for Intermediate Service Levels – intended for those CoDA members currently doing service in meetings.

FSM Part 4 – Service Conference (CSC) Procedures – intended for use by those CoDA members doing service at World level.

FSM Part 5 – World Level Service Details – detailed information related to the various service entities that exist at World service level.

Combined Fellowship Service Manual

Samples

Newcomers booklet, 12 x 12 handbook etc.

Booklets

12 Steps Handbook

12 Piece Relationship Toolkit

Affirmations

Building CoDA Community

Carrying the Message

CoDA Prayers

Common Threads

Experiences with Crosstalk

Growing up in CoDA *NEW*

Joy in the Journey

Making Choices

Newcomers

Peeling the Onion

Sponsorship

Traditionally Speaking

Tools for Recovery

Books

12×12 Workbook
EN  |  PT  |  PT

In this Moment – Daily Meditations

Blue Book (PDF)

Blue Book (Pocket)

(PDF | Eng | Esp)

CoDAteen

CoDAteen – Preamble

Parental letter for permission

CoDAteen – Minimal Safety & Behavioural Requirements

CoDAteen – Meeting Handbook

CoDAteen – Step Study Guide


Hopefully helpful
Certain conditions on your computer, such as security settings or browser cookies, can prevent you from viewing a PDF. Find out more.


See also
CoDA UK Free Posters
Prepare your own CoDA UK Poster – (opens in free package called Figma) – instructions in page
Email publicinformation@codauk.org if you’d like assistance

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The Twelve Traditions of Co-Dependents Anonymous

  1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon CoDA unity.
  2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving higher power as expressed to our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.
  3. The only requirement for membership in CoDA is a desire for healthy and loving relationships.
  4. Each group should remain autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or CoDA as a whole.
  5. Each group has but one primary purpose – to carry its message to other Co-Dependents who still suffer.
  6. A CoDA group ought never endorse, finance, or lend the CoDA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary spiritual aim.
  7. Every CoDA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.
  8. Co-Dependents Anonymous should remain forever non-professional, but our service centres may employ special workers.
  9. CoDA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.
  10. CoDA has no opinion on outside issues; hence the CoDA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.
  11. Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, films, television and all other forms of public communication.
  12. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions; ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

12 Traditions
EN | ES | FR | HE  | IS | PT | RU | SE

12 x 12 Workbook (Samples)
EN  | PT , PT

See also
Member shares – by Traditions
Member Shares

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Patterns and Characteristics of Co-Dependency

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.
They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.

Denial Patterns

  • have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
  • minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
  • perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
  • lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
  • label others with my negative traits.
  • think they can take care of themselves without any help from others.
  • mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
  • express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
  • do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.
Low Self Esteem Patterns

  • have difficulty making decisions.
  • judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
  • are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
  • value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
  • do not perceive myself as lovable or a worthwhile person.
  • seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less-than.
  • have difficulty admitting a mistake.
  • need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good.
  • are unable to identify or ask for what I need or want.
  • perceive themselves as superior to others.
  • look to others to provide my sense of safety.
  • have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
  • have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries.
Compliance Patterns

  • are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
  • compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
  • put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
  • are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
  • are afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
  • accept sexual attention when I want love.
  • make decisions without regard to the consequences.
  • give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.
Control Patterns

  • believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
  • attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
  • freely offer advice and direction without being asked.
  • become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
  • lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
  • use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
  • have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.
  • demand that my needs be met by others.
  • use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
  • use blame and shame to exploit others.
  • refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
  • adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
  • use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
  • pretend to agree with others to get what I want.
Avoidance Patterns

  • act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.
  • judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
  • avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance.
  • allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.
  • use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
  • diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery.
  • suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
  • pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away.
  • refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than myself.
  • believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
  • withhold expressions of appreciation.


Patterns and Characteristics
EN | ES | FR | IS | IT | NL | PT | RU | SE

Recovery Progress Scale (CoDA Canada) *NEW*
EN

See also
Member shares “Patterns”

The Patterns and Characteristics of Codependency may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be reprinted from the website www.coda.org (CoDA) for use by members of the CoDA Fellowship.

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Am I Co-Dependent?

You may be wondering: ‘Am I Co-Dependent?’ ‘What is Co-Dependence?’ Many of us want precise definitions and diagnostic criteria before we will decide. At CoDA, we respectfully allow psychiatric and psychological professionals to provide these, but what we do offer from our own experience, are characteristic attitudes and behaviour patterns that describe what our co-dependent histories have been like.

We believe that recovery begins with an honest self-diagnosis. We came to accept our inability to maintain healthy and nurturing relationships with ourselves and others. We began to recognise that the cause lay in long-standing destructive patterns of living. We have found these patterns to fall into five major categories: Denial, Low Self-Esteem, Compliance, Control and Avoidance. The checklist of Patterns and Characteristics is offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. It may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin to understand co-dependence. It may also aid those who have been in recovery for a while to determine what traits still need attention and transformation.

After completing this checklist we suggest that you continue attending CoDA meetings for several weeks. Listen to the similarities and not the differences. Search out members of the fellowship you believe you can trust and discuss your checklist answers with them. If you come to accept that you are, indeed, co-dependent, then you will be ready to begin the Twelve Steps of recovery, and to seek a sponsor to guide you through the process.


Am I Codependent?
EN | ES 

What is CoDA?
EN | ES | FR | PT | RU

Patterns and Characteristics
EN | ES | IS | IT | NL | PT | RU

See also
Member shares

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The Preamble of Co-Dependents Anonymous

many 3d humans with empty chat bubbles

Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of people whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships. The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships. We gather together to support and share with each other in a journey of self-discovery – learning to love the self. Living the programme allows each of us to become increasingly honest with ourselves about our personal histories and our own co-dependent behaviours.

We rely upon the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions for knowledge and wisdom. These are the principles of our programme and guides to developing honest and fulfilling relationships with ourselves and others. In CoDA, we each learn to build a bridge to a Higher Power of our own understanding, and we allow others the same privilege.

This renewal process is a gift of healing for us. By actively working the programme of Co-Dependents Anonymous, we can each realise a new joy, acceptance and serenity in our lives.

Preamble
EN | DE | ES | FR | RU

See also
Member shares

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CoDA Welcome


We welcome you to Co-Dependents Anonymous, a program of recovery from codependence, where each of us may share our experience, strength, and hope in our efforts to find freedom where there has been bondage and peace where there has been turmoil in our relationships with others and ourselves.

Most of us have been searching for ways to overcome the dilemmas of the conflicts in our relationships and our childhoods. Many of us were raised in families where addictions existed – some of us were not. In either case, we have found in each of our lives that codependence is a most deeply rooted compulsive behavior and that it is born out of our sometimes moderately, sometimes extremely dysfunctional families and other systems. We have each experienced in our own ways the painful trauma of the emptiness of our childhood and relationships throughout our lives.

We attempted to use others – our mates, friends, and even our children, as our sole source of identity, value and well being, and as a way of trying to restore within us the emotional losses from our childhoods. Our histories may include other powerful addictions which at times we have used to cope with our codependence.

We have all learned to survive life, but in CoDA we are learning to live life. Through applying the Twelve Steps and principles found in CoDA to our daily life and relationships ­both present and past – we can experience a new freedom from our self defeating lifestyles. It is an individual growth process. Each of us is growing at our own pace and will continue to do so as we remain open to God’s will for us on a daily basis. Our sharing is our way of identification and helps us to free the emotional bonds of our past and the compulsive control of our present.

No matter how traumatic your past or despairing your present may seem, there is hope for a new day in the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous. No longer do you need to rely on others as a power greater than yourself. May you instead find here a new strength within to be that which God intended – Precious and Free.

The Welcome may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be reprinted from the website http://www.coda.org (CoDA)
for use by members of the CoDA Fellowship.

Copyright © 2018 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. and its licensors – All Rights Reserved.

Welcome
EN | DE | ES | FR | NL | PT | RU | SE

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Member shares

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The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous

  1. We admitted we were powerless over others – that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
  6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
  7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other co-dependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

12 Steps
EN | ES | FR | HE | IS | PT | RU | SE

12 x 12 Workbook (Samples)
EN  | PT , PT

See also
Member Shares – by Tradition
Member Shares – by Step
Member Shares

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The Twelve Promises of Co-Dependents Anonymous

I can expect a miraculous change in my life by working the programme of Co-Dependents Anonymous. As I make an honest effort to work the Twelve Steps and follow the Twelve Traditions:

  1. I know a new sense of belonging. The feelings of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.
  2. I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity and dignity.
  3. I know a new freedom.
  4. I release myself from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it.
  5. I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely lovable, loving and loved.
  6. I learn to see myself as equal to others. My new and renewed relationships are all with equal partners.
  7. I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.
  8. I learn that it is possible for me to mend – to become more loving, intimate and supportive. I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way which is safe for me and respectful of them.
  9. I acknowledge that I am a unique and precious creation.
  10. I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.
  11. I trust the guidance I receive from my higher power and come to believe in my own capabilities.
  12. I gradually experience serenity, strength, and spiritual growth in my daily life.

12 Promises
EN | ES | FR |  HE |  IS |  IT |  PT |  RU

See also
Member Shares “Promises”

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Long Serenity Prayer


God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Grant me patience with the changes that take time
Appreciation of all that I have
Tolerance of those with different struggles
And the strength to get up and try again
One day at a time

Long Serenity Prayer
EN | ES

Serenity Prayer
EN | ES

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Affirmations

Towards the end of a CoDA meeting the secretary passes around a list of positive affirmations which members are free to pick from.

Affirmations – Avoidance
  • I act in ways that ENCOURAGE loving and healthy responses from others.
  • I keep an open mind and ACCEPT others AS THEY ARE.
  • I engage in emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy when it is HEALTHY and APPROPRIATE for me.
  • I PRACTICE my recovery to develop healthy and fulfilling relationships.
  • I use direct and straightforward communication to resolve conflicts and deal appropriately with
    confrontations.
  • When I use the tools of recovery, I am able to develop and maintain healthy relationships of my
    choosing.
  • I embrace my own vulnerability by trusting and honoring my feelings and needs.
  • I welcome close relationships while maintaining healthy boundaries.
  • I believe in and trust a power greater than myself. I surrender my self-will to my Higher Power.
  • I honor my authentic emotions and share them when appropriate.
  • I freely engage in expressions of appreciation toward others.
Affirmations – Compliance
  • I am committed to my safety and leave situations that feel unsafe or are inconsistent with my goals.
  • I am rooted in my own values, even if others don’t agree or become angry.
  • I consider my interests and feelings when asked to participate in another’s plans.
  • I can separate my feelings from the feelings of others. I allow myself to experience my feelings and
    others to be responsible for their feelings.
  • I respect my own opinions and feelings and express them appropriately.
  • My sexuality is grounded in genuine intimacy and connection. When I need to feel loved, I express my
    heart’s desires. I do not settle for sex without love.
  • I ask my Higher Power for guidance, and I consider possible consequences before I make decisions.
  • I stand in my truth and maintain my integrity, whether others approve or not, even if it means making
    difficult changes in my life.
Affirmations – Denial
  • I can be aware of my feelings and identify them, often in the moment. I know the difference between
    my thoughts and feelings.
  • I embrace my feelings; they are valid and important.
  • I know the difference between caring and caretaking. I recognize that caretaking others is often
    motivated by a need to benefit myself.
  • I am able to feel compassion for another’s feelings and needs.
  • I acknowledge that I may own the negative traits I often perceive in others.
  • I acknowledge that I sometimes need the help of others.
  • I am aware of my painful feelings and express them appropriately.
  • I am able to express my feelings openly, directly, and calmly.
  • I pursue intimate relationships only with others who want, and are able to engage in, healthy and
    loving relationships.
Affirmations – Self Esteem
  • I can trust my ability to make effective decisions.
  • I can accept myself as I am. I choose to emphasize progress over perfection.
  • I feel appropriately worthy of the recognition, praise, or gifts I receive.
  • I’m able to value the opinions of those I trust, without needing to gain their approval. I choose to have
    confidence in myself.
  • I choose to recognize myself as being a lovable and valuable person.
  • I choose to seek my own approval first. I make a point to examine my motivations carefully when I
    seek approval from others.
  • I continue to take my personal inventory, and when I am wrong, promptly admit it.
  • I choose to be honest with myself about my behaviors and motivations. I can feel secure enough to
    admit mistakes to myself and others, and to hear their opinions WITHOUT feeling threatened.
  • I choose to meet my own needs and wants when possible.
  • I choose to reach out for help when it’s necessary and appropriate.
  • I choose to perceive myself as equal to others.
  • With the help of my Higher Power, I can create safety in my life.
  • I make the choice to avoid procrastination by meeting my responsibilities in a timely manner.
  • I am able to establish and uphold healthy priorities and boundaries in my life.
Affirmations – Control
  • My communication with others is authentic and truthful.
  • I realize that, with rare exceptions, other adults are capable of managing their own lives.
  • I accept the thoughts, choices, and feelings of others, even though I may not be comfortable with
    them.
  • I give advice only when asked.
  • I am content to see others take care of themselves.
  • I carefully and honestly contemplate my motivations when preparing to give a gift.
  • I embrace and celebrate my sexuality as evidence of my health and wholeness. I do not use it to gain
    the approval of others.
  • I develop relationships with others based on equality, intimacy, and balance.
  • I find and use resources that meet my needs without making demands on others. I ask for help when I
    need it, WITHOUT expectation.
  • I behave AUTHENTICALLY with others, allowing my caring and compassionate qualities to emerge.
  • I ask directly for what I want and need and trust the outcome to my Higher Power. I do not try to
    manipulate outcomes with blame or shame.
  • I cooperate, compromise, and negotiate with others in a way that honors my integrity.
  • I treat others with respect and consideration, and trust my Higher Power to meet my needs and
    desires.
  • I use my recovery for my own growth and not to manipulate or control others.
See also

Affirmations
 EN (US) (UK)  |  ES  |  RU  | PT

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Sharing

Covers:
Feedback | Crosstalk | Suggestions / Support | General Recommendations


Bearing in mind the spiritual aspect of our admission in the First Step of our powerlessness over others, the CoDA Fellowship Service Manual (FSM) offers guidelines for personal, written, and electronic communications for individual members and groups, including those engaging in outreach and fellowship service work.

Guidelines for sharing (Approved 2010)

The following statement is to be read before the meeting opens for general sharing

When many of us were growing up no-one listened to us. We were told our feelings were wrong or that they did not matter. We were often interrupted and criticised.

As adults we are used to taking care of other people and not taking responsibility for our own lives.

So in our meetings we speak about our own experiences and feelings. We listen without comment to what others say because it is true for them. In this way we work towards taking responsibility for our own lives, rather than giving advice to others.

It is important for our recovery to know that we can share without fear of interruption, contradiction or criticism.

  • We do not judge, offer advice or comment on what other people say in meetings, even if the comment is positive or solicited – this is ‘feedback‘.
  • We do not interrupt one another or engage in discussion – this is called ‘crosstalk‘. When sharing, we use ‘I’ statements and avoid using the word ‘you’, ‘we’, ‘one’ or addressing someone by ‘name’. Crosstalk can include: physical contact or touch, passing tissues, excessive laughter, verbal sounds and noises.

Crosstalk and feedback are strongly discouraged in CoDA, since as codependents we are working to break away from dependency on what others think, feel or advise.

Crosstalk infringes on boundaries, and many people find crosstalk or feedback unsafe. When we ask for no crosstalk, we have set a boundary in order to create a safe environment. No crosstalk nurtures recovery rather than codependency. It reminds us to focus on our own recovery rather than be distracted with helping or controlling others.

If a previous member’s share echoes within you and inspires you to speak, we suggest you stick to the ‘general topics’ you identify with, only. If you would like to speak to someone about something they have shared, please do so after the meeting, asking their consent first.

The secretary may read these guidelines again to remind members of this CoDA principle. Please do not be upset or embarrassed if this happens – it is only to maintain the safety of the room, to help us identify codependent behaviour and further our recoveries and awareness of this principle.

If you think these guidelines have been violated or are not being observed, please ask the secretary to read them again at the end of that particular share. 

If FEEDBACK occurs…

(To be read during meeting, AFTER a specific share)

We would like to gently remind the group that all feedback, including positive comment, is discouraged, since as codependents we are working to establish our own realities and opinions free from the judgement, advice and opinions of other people, even those we love and respect. This is not a criticism but only a reminder and a useful tool to preserve the safety of the room and further our recovery from codependency.

If CROSSTALK occurs…

We would like to gently remind the group that crosstalk or mentioning people by name is discouraged in CoDA, as we all have a right to share without fear of being misinterpreted or having our boundaries violated.

YOU / WE / ONE statements

We would like to gently remind the group that we are encouraged to further our personal recovery from codependency by refraining from using the word ‘you’, ‘we’ or ‘one’ in our sharing and instead, keep the focus on our own recovery by using ‘I’ statements. Changing the language we use in meetings and working to keep the focus on ourselves is a valuable tool in recognising and nurturing our own reality and identity. 

If a member behaves aggressively / abusively in meeting

It is suggested that this particular member should be advised that they may be asked to leave by immediate group conscience which may be called by any member. This supports tradition one where our common welfare comes first. Some venues may have policies on tolerating abusive/aggressive behaviour and these policies could be read out if necessary. They should be printed out and located somewhere accessible to the secretary (e.g. in the folder). 

IF a member shares in a way which another finds offensive

It is important to consider Tradition One: Our common welfare should come first, personal recovery depends upon CoDA unity. Members should take their own inventory and balance the possible harm to them in continuing to listen to the speaker or possible harm to the speaker by interrupting his/her share. Any member may call an immediate group conscience. In a group conscience, principles are placed before personalities, issues are discussed and any actions agreed and acted upon. Alternatively, members may choose to leave the meeting on the day temporarily or permanently. Similarly, members may ask the secretary to re-read the guidelines at the end of that person’s share, rather than interrupting.  

IF a member finds it hard to access / share / behave

If a member finds it hard to access suitable meetings or share and behave appropriately at meetings

It is suggested that the member should be informed that all members have access to online meetings (website addresses), CoDA literature, and arrangement of sponsoring relationships when attending meetings is difficult or inadvisable.

General Recommendations for meeting secretaries

It is proposed that all meetings should review their guidelines to sharing to ensure that they have the following incorporated:

  • A description of cross talk and feedback and WHY they are discouraged. 
  • Using ‘I’ statements, avoid using the word ‘you’ or addressing someone by name.  
  • If a member wants to talk about what someone has said, they should approach the person after the meeting asking their consent/agreement first.
  • Members have the procedure to ask the secretary to re-read the guidelines again if they feel that the guidelines have not been observed, but only after a person has shared. 
  • A statement about how the group will deal with seriously offensive shares, secretary to re-read the guidelines at the end of that person’s share, rather than interrupting.  

Experiences with Crosstalk
EN (Sample) | ES (Leaflet) | IS | RU

Communication & Recovery
EN | ES | PT | RU

Establishing Boundaries in Recovery
EN | ES | RU

For Safety Sake / No Crosstalk
EN | ES | FR | IT | RU

Healthy Meetings Matter
EN | ES

See also
Member share – Experiences with Crosstalk *NEW*
Newcomers – handbook (DRAFT)

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What is Codependence? video

CoDA World Service has produced a video to educate the public on what codependency is and to be of service to the codependent who still suffers.

Available across a host of languages 
– via PC(Windows+Ctrl+L), Apple, iOS, Android


What is CoDA?
EN | ES | DE | FR | HE | IT | PT | RU

See also
Member Shares
CoDA Inc – Youtube Channel

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