Co-Dependents Anonymous UK
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Many members of Co-Dependents Anonymous, grew up with caregivers who modelled unhealthy parenting. Some of us had permissive parents and caregivers who set no limits or boundaries while we were growing up. Some of us had authoritarian parents, and some of us had siblings or other caregivers who demanded obedience no matter what the situation. Denial, rage, guilt, shame, blame, and control are some common elements that may be found in the family dynamic.
…many of us developed:
“The child-within is the sum of all of our childhood experiences, memories, perceptions, beliefs, and emotions. It is the part of us that
1) experienced both the positive and the negative aspects of childhood; 2) retains the unexpressed feelings generated by our childhood experiences; and
3) reacts strongly, either passively or rebelliously, to the difficult situations we encounter in our adult lives.”
– Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition, page 107
“The child-within, or our inner-child, is that part of us that carries the innocence of life, curiosity of nature, and the spirit of who we are. Our inner-child can be delightful, spontaneous, creative, playful, joyful, mischievous, tender, and loving. It may also appear as the hurt, embittered, shamed, scared, or angry part of us.”
– Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition, page 107
The following suggestions may help us discover our inner child:
Discovering the inner parent is a journey in itself. Our inner parent can represent the internalized messages and attitudes we received from our parents, siblings, caregivers, guardians, teachers, or any adult who was significantly involved in our lives as we grew up.
As we recover, we become aware of the dialogue between our inner parent and inner child. It is important when doing this work that our inner parent voice comes from a place of love, acceptance, and tenderness.
It has been said that coming into CoDA, we come in at the emotional age when the codependent behavior started. For some of us, codependent behavior starts at an early age. When we begin to parent ourselves, we are able to free our biological parents or caretakers from guilt or blame for our current actions and behaviors.
In recovery, we take responsibility and start the process of reparenting ourselves, replacing the harmful inner voice with one that fosters safety, bonding, and wisdom. We become whole. Some members hear the positive messages from their Inner Parent and some hear conflicting messages.
Reparenting, also known as self-parenting, is learning how to be the healthy, nurturing, and loving parent that we did not have growing up. It means giving ourselves what our parents or other caregivers did not or could not give us when we were young. We accomplish this by using the tools of recovery.
We all have the ability to become a loving parent to our inner child. Here are some reparenting actions you can include in your daily life:
Part of this process is changing our thinking; what thoughts are we having about ourselves?
On having their own way. We may identify an inner conflict when we feel:
We feel frustrated, resentful, and our codependent behaviors can manifest themselves in our relationships with ourselves and others.
First, we recognize that there is an inner conflict, and we accept this fact without judgment. Next, we let go of any expectations regarding the outcome. Then, we use our newly acquired reparenting skills to begin solving the inner conflict. The loving parent takes the time to listen deeply to what the child has to say without comment or criticism, much like we do in a CoDA meeting. The parent then asks the child to listen to them. If the child is unwilling or unable to listen, the parent may need to calmly set some clear communication boundaries. The goal is to reach safe and healthy solutions in order to live in the real world as a whole human being.
Working the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous helps us learn to build a healthy, loving relationship with ourselves, others, and our Higher Power. Many codependents find our inner child work creates balance and harmony, healing the inner child and making us whole. We continue on our journey of self discovery – learning to love the self.
To learn more about inner child work, refer to the full-length CoDA publication: Growing Up in CoDA
Welcome
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“The solution lies, not with trying to eradicate the child-within, but by embracing this often unpredictable, sometimes unwelcome part of ourselves.”
– Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition,
page 108
CoDA, a twelve-step fellowship of people who desire healthy and loving relationships.
The five building blocks of recovery in the CoDA program are:
(1) attending meetings;
(2) sharing and fellowship;
(3) working The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous; (4) sponsorship; and
(5) service, following The Twelve Traditions of Co-Dependents Anonymous.
Because many of us come to CoDA in great pain, impatience, and confusion, it may take time to hear the CoDA message. Newcomers
often struggle with believing they are in the right place.
A CoDA meeting may feel strange to a newcomer, even if they feel drawn to the hopeful message about healthy and loving relationships. CoDA’s introductory readings may not make sense or may appear to be overly long. Sharing may stir up strong, unwelcome, or uncomfortable emotions.
Attending regularly, at least twice per week, for a minimum of six weeks, gives newcomers a clearer understanding of the CoDA message. We begin to calm down and become able to absorb the message of hope and healing. Time and repetition help. Our experience has shown us that the program works if we work it.
Listening to others share in a CoDA meeting is how we begin to understand the program. Learning to listen deeply is a skill that takes
practice. Many find learning to listen, to be one of the best gifts of recovery
Newcomers are encouraged to share as they feel able. It is recommended to begin slowly. Passing is fine. In CoDA, we learn to talk about ourselves and our lives in a new, honest, and open way.
Many CoDA groups, both in person and on electronic platforms, gather after meetings for informal socializing called “fellowship.” This is a time to get to know people in the program.
Working The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous means to study and use the steps in a personal program of recovery. Reading
CoDA Service Conference endorsed literature, writing, and sharing are the tools needed to begin to work the Steps. Members typically use Co-Dependents Anonymous and The Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions Workbook of Co-Dependents Anonymous (the “green book”).
One approach is to work individually with a sponsor. Another approach is to meet with a group of two or more CoDA members in a step study group. The group will decide on the pace
of study.
Newcomers often wonder if it is necessary to “believe in God” in order to work the steps. The short answer is no. In CoDA, we learn to rely on a power of our own understanding that is greater than ourselves. This power can be anything we define it to be for our recovery.
Sponsorship is the heart of the CoDA program, offering members a unique opportunity to develop and maintain a healthy one-to-one
relationship.
A sponsor is:
The Twelve Traditions of Co-Dependents Anonymous are the guiding spiritual principles of our meetings, service within the CoDA service structure, and all our relationships. Some of the principles found in the Traditions are: unity of purpose, self-support, and anonymity.
CoDA meetings rely on members to keep the meeting viable. Support can be as simple as regular attendance, setting up chairs, putting out literature, contributing to the Seventh Tradition basket, or reading during a meeting. Examples of taking on increased service are: opening up the room, chairing a meeting, becoming the meeting secretary or treasurer, or acting as a Group Service Representative (GSR) to represent the meeting at intergroup or Voting Entity meetings.
Healthy meetings rotate service positions and hold regular business meetings where all members are welcome to participate in the decision-making process, called a group conscience. They maintain current information
about the location, time, and contact person
for the meeting at coda.org and local intergroup
meeting lists.
.
CoDA meetings are connected to the wider Fellowship through our service structure. In many geographic areas, meetings band together to create an intergroup or regional group for mutual support. The next level of service is the voting entity (VE). A VE can be a country, or a division within a country such as a state. VEs send delegates to the CoDA World Service Conference.
Co-Dependents Anonymous has created many pieces of literature to reach the codependent who still suffers and expand our understanding
of recovery.
Building CoDA Community: Healthy Meetings Matter
Newcomer Handbook
Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA’s basic text)
Experiences With Crosstalk
The CoDA Twelve Step Handbook
The Twelve Steps & Twelve Traditions Workbook of Co-Dependents Anonymous
Sponsorship: What’s in It For Me?
CoDA Prayers
To translate to your preferred language
Many arrive at Co-Dependents Anonymous, CoDA, unsure if we belong. Recovery begins with an honest self assessment. For self evaluation, we offer a list of common attitudes and behavior patterns that CoDA members have observed in our own lives.
Personal crises or unbearable, chronic, emotional pain brought many of us to CoDA. We came to our first meeting feeling hopeless and helpless. We wondered why our efforts to fix ourselves and others were not working, no matter how hard we tried. We had come to a crossroad: continue our old ways of coping or look for a new way out of our pain.
At the beginning, most of us found that we identified with several characteristics in each category. Some of us identified most strongly with one or two categories. As we attended meetings, read CoDA literature, and worked with our sponsors, we were surprised to see other characteristics show up in our lives. As we shared our stories, and listened to others share, we began to recognize that the causes of our pain were due to longstanding, unhealthy patterns of living. Patterns which began as a way to cope with overwhelming childhood stress, abuse, and neglect. In CoDA, we learn we are not alone. We come to accept that our pain is a wakeup call. A call to learn a new way to live and thrive. We discover we are ready to change and grow as we work the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous.
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We admitted we were powerless over others…
To translate to your preferred language
“Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of people whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships.” ¹
“We have all learned to survive life, but in CoDA we are learning to live life. Through applying the Twelve Steps and principles found in CoDA to our daily life and relationships, both present and past, we can experience a new freedom from our self defeating lifestyles.” ²
¹ Co-Dependents Anonymous, Preamble.
² Co-Dependents Anonymous, Welcome.
What is Codependency?
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers. There are 5 main patterns: denial, low self esteem, compliance, control, and avoidance. These are some characteristics:
From Am I Codependent
Tradition Three states “the only requirement for membership in CoDA is a desire for healthy and loving relationships”.
There is no need to register. You can just drop in. Meeting information can be found on the coda.org site. A group contact can provide you with additional information.
There is no charge for attendance. CoDA meetings are self supporting. Contribute as you are able. CoDA accepts no advertising and no sponsorship by any outside entity.
If a meeting is an “open” meeting, and most are, you are welcome to bring a friend or family member.
CoDA is a 12 step fellowship and peer support group. We do not give advice and we do not take the place of counsellors. Members share their own experiences and recovery.
Like other 12-step fellowships, CoDA is considered “spiritual” in the broadest sense, since it deals with inner change. Members may belong to various religious faiths or consider themselves agnostics or atheists. Everyone is welcome in CoDA.
You will be welcomed at the meeting. Some meetings even have “Greeters” that meet you at the door. Some meetings give hand-outs or Welcome Chips to newcomers.
The Format will vary depending on Meeting emphasis—sharing, topics, CoDA book, the Steps and Traditions, are examples
You will have an opportunity to share, or not. It is not required. Newcomers usually share about why they have come. Some meetings have special newcomers groups. Most sharing is 2 to 3 minutes.
We do not comment or give advice.
We end with “the Serenity Prayer” or “The CoDA Closing Prayer”. Some read “the Promises”.
Many meetings go out for coffee and fellowship. This is a good opportunity to meet people and practice your recovery
Anonymity
Our identity and sharing stays within the room. Tradition Twelve reminds us that by not focusing on who we are, we are free to focus on our recovery. At the end of the meeting, we are reminded:
“Let what is said here, who you see here, when you leave
here, let it stay here.”
The No Crosstalk Rule
“Basically, any sharing which is not simply one’s sharing honestly about themselves.”
“Crosstalk happens when you interrupt, or turn into a therapist/mother/advisor by telling the person what they should do, or get into a conversation about what the other person is talking about.”
From Experiences with Crosstalk
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
I can expect a miraculous change in my life by working the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous. As I make an honest effort to work the Twelve Steps and follow the Twelve Traditions…
The Twelve Steps reprinted and adapted with permission of
Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
What is CoDA?
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Your First Meeting
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Communication & Recovery
EN | ES | PT | RU
For Safety Sake / No Crosstalk
EN | ES | FR | IT | RU
CoDA Canada – Newcomers Pack
EN | CN | JP
Patterns of Recovery
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Recovery Progress Scale (CoDA Canada) *NEW*
EN
See also
Member shares
To translate to your preferred language
Attending Meetings
Attending meetings is a crucial part of the recovery program of Codependents Anonymous, CoDA. Showing up and participating in whatever way we are able is how we grow in CoDA.
Attending meetings puts us in contact with other recovering codependents who share our experience. We discover we are not alone.
Attending meetings begins the process of learning to work the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.
CoDA meetings use a consistent format that includes reading, as written, the four foundational documents: The Preamble, The Welcome, The Twelve Steps, and The Twelve Traditions.
Meetings usually open with an introduction by the facilitator and the reading of either The CoDA Opening Prayer or The Serenity Prayer. Other readings may include, “The CoDA Guide to Sharing” and “What is Crosstalk?”
Meetings vary in length from an hour to 90 minutes. Meetings can be in person, online, or by phone. See coda.org for listings of official CoDA meetings.
The format and topic for the meeting will be read. Formats may include sharing, Step or Tradition study, a speaker, CoDA literature study. A time for individual sharing will follow. Sharing usually takes most of the meeting time. There will be time for CoDA announcements.
A basket will be passed around for Seventh Tradition donations. Donations must be sufficient to cover meeting expenses, such as rent and the purchase of CoDA literature. Surplus funds are forwarded to other levels of the CoDA organization to support members’ service work. Giving supports the meeting and CoDA as a whole.
Some groups read affirmations. Meetings typically read The Twelve Promises and close with either The CoDA Closing Prayer, The Serenity Prayer, or other CoDA prayers.
Meetings use CoDA Conference endorsed literature or read a disclaimer explaining that the literature used is not endorsed by CoDA. CoDA literature should be available for sale before and after the meeting and is available for sale online through coda.org.
CoDA groups conduct regular business meetings, also called group conscience meetings, to give members the chance to have a voice in how the meeting is run. Attending a business meeting is an opportunity to participate in CoDA service. Business meetings can be scheduled either during or outside the regular meeting time.
Sharing is optional. During sharing, we talk about our lives and our feelings. Newcomers may feel anxious or distracted, dreading the idea of talking. Some may find it hard to stop talking once they start. Newcomers are encouraged to share as they feel able. It is recommended to begin slowly; some wait weeks before speaking.
When sharing in CoDA meetings, we use “I” statements to help keep the focus on ourselves and to help us express our feelings directly and honestly. We limit our sharing to 3-5 minutes. This boundary allows time for everyone to share.
Listening to others share in a CoDA meeting is how we begin to understand the program. Learning to listen deeply is a skill that takes practice. Many find learning to listen to be one of the best gifts of recovery.
As we take the time to sit and listen to others share in CoDA meetings, we begin to identify with the experience, strength, and hope of others. Although their specific stories may be different from ours, we hear the truth that resonates with our experience.
In CoDA meetings, we practice “no crosstalk.”
This means we refrain from asking questions, interrupting, giving feedback or advice, referring directly to another person’s share, calling another person present by name, or making “you” and “we” statements. Although it may feel awkward at first, experience has shown us that CoDA’s crosstalk guidelines help keep our meetings a safe place.
In the spirit of love and truth, we ask our Higher Power to guide us as we share our experience, strength, and hope.
We open our hearts to the light of wisdom, the warmth of love, and the joy of acceptance.
We thank our Higher Power for all that we have received from this meeting.
As we close, may we take with us the wisdom, love, acceptance and hope of recovery.
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
Many CoDA members attend other Twelve Step fellowships.
CoDA is not a replacement for other programs, just as other programs are not replacements for CoDA.
An Introduction to Co-Dependents Anonymous
To translate to your preferred language
This pamphlet contains the four foundational documents which are read at every CoDA meeting.
Co-Dependents Anonymous, CoDA, is a fellowship of people whose common purpose is to develop healthy and loving relationships.
CoDA was founded in the mid-1980s in Phoenix, AZ, by individuals in Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, who saw the need for a recovery program for people in dysfunctional relationships. For the purpose of founding CoDA, members adapted, with permission, The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions of AA and wrote The Preamble and The Welcome. The founders wrote CoDA’s basic text, Co-Dependents Anonymous, also known as “the blue book” and “the big book.”
The CoDA Fellowship continues to grow and is comprised of meetings all around the world.
Many CoDA members attend other twelve step fellowships. CoDA is not a replacement for other twelve step programs, just as other programs are not a replacement for CoDA.
Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of people whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships. The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships. We gather together to support and share with each other in a journey of self discovery — learning to love the self. Living the program allows each of us to become increasingly honest with ourselves about our personal histories and our own codependent behaviors. We rely upon the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions for knowledge and wisdom.
These are the principles of our program and guides to developing honest and fulfilling relationships with ourselves and others. In CoDA, we each learn to build a bridge to a Higher Power of our own understanding, and we allow others the same privilege.
This renewal process is a gift of healing for us. By actively working the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous, we can each realize a new joy, acceptance, and serenity in our lives.
We welcome you to Co-Dependents Anonymous, a program of recovery from codependence, where each of us may share our experience, strength, and hope in our efforts to find freedom where there has been bondage and peace where there has been turmoil in our relationships with others and ourselves. Most of us have been searching for ways to overcome the dilemmas of the conflicts in our relationships and our childhoods. Many of us were raised in families where addictions existed — some of us were not. In either case, we have found in each of our lives that codependence is a most deeply rooted compulsive behavior and that it is born out of our sometimes moderately, sometimes extremely dysfunctional family and other systems. We have each experienced in our own ways the painful trauma of the emptiness of our childhood and relationships throughout our lives.
We attempted to use others — our mates, friends, and even our children — as our sole source of identity, value, and well being, and as a way of trying to restore within us the emotional losses from our childhoods. Our histories may include other powerful addictions which at times we have used to cope with our codependence.
We have all learned to survive life, but in CoDA, we are learning to live life. Through applying the Twelve Steps and principles found in CoDA to our daily life and relationships — both present and past — we can experience a new freedom from our self-defeating lifestyles. It is an individual growth process. Each of us is growing at our own pace and will continue to do so as we remain open to God’s will for us on a daily basis. Our sharing is our way of identification and helps us to free the emotional bonds of our past and the compulsive control of our present.
No matter how traumatic your past or despairing your present may seem, there is hope for a new day in the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous. No longer do you need to rely on others as a power greater than yourself. May you instead find here a new strength within to be that which God intended — precious and free.
The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions are adapted and printed with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
For more information about the CoDA program of recovery:
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