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Many arrive at Co-Dependents Anonymous, CoDA, unsure if we belong. Recovery begins with an honest self assessment. For self evaluation, we offer a list of common attitudes and behavior patterns that CoDA members have observed in our own lives.
Denial Patterns
- I have difficulty identifying what they are feeling
- I minimize, alter, or deny how they truly feel.
- I perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well- being of others
- I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
- I label others with my negative traits.
- I can take care of myself without any help from others.
- I mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
- I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
- I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted.
Low Self Esteem Patterns
- I have difficulty making decisions.
- I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
- I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
- I value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behaviour over their own.
- I do not perceive myself as lovable or worthwhile person.
- I constantly seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than.
- I have difficulty admitting I made a mistake.
- I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good.
- I am unable to identify or ask for what I need or want.
- I perceive myself as superior to others.
- I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
- I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
- I have trouble setting healthy priorities.
Compliance Patterns
- I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
- I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
- I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
- I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
- I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
- I accept sexual attention when they want love.
- I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
- I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.
Control Patterns
- I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
- I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
- I freely offer advice and direction without being asked.
- I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
- I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
- I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
- I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others.
- I demand that my needs be met by others.
- I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
- I use blame and shame to exploit others.
- I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
- I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
- I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
- I pretend to agree with others to get what they want.
Avoidance Patterns
- I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them.
- I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
- I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance.
- I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.
- I use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
- I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
- I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
- I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
- I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than myself.
- I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
- I withhold expressions of appreciation.
Am I Codependent?
Personal crises or unbearable, chronic, emotional pain brought many of us to CoDA. We came to our first meeting feeling hopeless and helpless. We wondered why our efforts to fix ourselves and others were not working, no matter how hard we tried. We had come to a crossroad: continue our old ways of coping or look for a new way out of our pain.
At the beginning, most of us found that we identified with several characteristics in each category. Some of us identified most strongly with one or two categories. As we attended meetings, read CoDA literature, and worked with our sponsors, we were surprised to see other characteristics show up in our lives. As we shared our stories, and listened to others share, we began to recognize that the causes of our pain were due to longstanding, unhealthy patterns of living. Patterns which began as a way to cope with overwhelming childhood stress, abuse, and neglect. In CoDA, we learn we are not alone. We come to accept that our pain is a wakeup call. A call to learn a new way to live and thrive. We discover we are ready to change and grow as we work the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous.
Find out more info about CoDA
- Welcome to Co-Dependents Anonymous
- Attending Meetings
- What is CoDA?
- Newcomer Handbook
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