These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.
They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.
Denial Patterns
- have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
- minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
- perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
- lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
- label others with my negative traits.
- think they can take care of themselves without any help from others.
- mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
- express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
- do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.
Low Self Esteem Patterns
- have difficulty making decisions.
- judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
- are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
- value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
- do not perceive myself as lovable or a worthwhile person.
- seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less-than.
- have difficulty admitting a mistake.
- need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good.
- are unable to identify or ask for what I need or want.
- perceive themselves as superior to others.
- look to others to provide my sense of safety.
- have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
- have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries.
Compliance Patterns
- are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
- compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
- put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
- are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
- are afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
- accept sexual attention when I want love.
- make decisions without regard to the consequences.
- give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.
Control Patterns
- believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
- attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
- freely offer advice and direction without being asked.
- become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
- lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
- use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
- have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.
- demand that my needs be met by others.
- use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
- use blame and shame to exploit others.
- refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
- adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
- use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
- pretend to agree with others to get what I want.
Avoidance Patterns
- act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.
- judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
- avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance.
- allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.
- use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
- diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery.
- suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
- pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away.
- refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than myself.
- believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
- withhold expressions of appreciation.
Patterns and Characteristics
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Recovery Progress Scale (CoDA Canada) *NEW*
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See also
Member shares “Patterns”
The Patterns and Characteristics of Codependency may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be reprinted from the website www.coda.org (CoDA) for use by members of the CoDA Fellowship.
