Reparenting our Inner Child

Introduction

Many members of Co-Dependents Anonymous, grew up with caregivers who modelled unhealthy parenting. Some of us had permissive parents and caregivers who set no limits or boundaries while we were growing up. Some of us had authoritarian parents, and some of us had siblings or other caregivers who demanded obedience no matter what the situation. Denial, rage, guilt, shame, blame, and control are some common elements that may be found in the family dynamic.

As a result…

…many of us developed:

Difficulty setting and maintaining boundaries
Guilt and shame
Irrational fears
Insecurity
Rebellious behavior
Unhealthy attachments
Self-defeating behaviors
Difficulty with authority figures
Low self-esteem
Poor communication skills

What is the child within or inner child?

“The child-within is the sum of all of our childhood experiences, memories, perceptions, beliefs, and emotions. It is the part of us that
1) experienced both the positive and the negative aspects of childhood; 2) retains the unexpressed feelings generated by our childhood experiences; and
3) reacts strongly, either passively or rebelliously, to the difficult situations we encounter in our adult lives.”
– Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition, page 107

The child-within

“The child-within, or our inner-child, is that part of us that carries the innocence of life, curiosity of nature, and the spirit of who we are. Our inner-child can be delightful, spontaneous, creative, playful, joyful, mischievous, tender, and loving. It may also appear as the hurt, embittered, shamed, scared, or angry part of us.”
– Co-Dependents Anonymous, Third Edition, page 107

Discovering our inner child

The following suggestions may help us discover our inner child:

Reconnecting with our inner child through play, which can include: coloring, finger painting, riding bikes, swimming, playing with toys, reading children’s books, jumping rope, puzzles, building blocks
Checking in with how we feel with a feelings wheel or chart
Crafting: glitter, hook-rugs, sewing, woodworking, knitting
Gardening
Exploring nature: hiking, biking, swimming, beach play, camping
Writing with our non-dominant hand
Creating music, singing, dancing and drawing
Swinging on swings
Blowing bubbles
Looking at pictures of ourselves as children
Cooking our favorite childhood meals
Listening to music from our childhood
Watching favorite movies or videos from our childhood

Finding our inner parent

Discovering the inner parent is a journey in itself. Our inner parent can represent the internalized messages and attitudes we received from our parents, siblings, caregivers, guardians, teachers, or any adult who was significantly involved in our lives as we grew up.

As we recover, we become aware of the dialogue between our inner parent and inner child. It is important when doing this work that our inner parent voice comes from a place of love, acceptance, and tenderness.

Are there two kinds of inner parents?

It has been said that coming into CoDA, we come in at the emotional age when the codependent behavior started. For some of us, codependent behavior starts at an early age. When we begin to parent ourselves, we are able to free our biological parents or caretakers from guilt or blame for our current actions and behaviors.

In recovery, we take responsibility and start the process of reparenting ourselves, replacing the harmful inner voice with one that fosters safety, bonding, and wisdom. We become whole. Some members hear the positive messages from their Inner Parent and some hear conflicting messages.

The Loving Inner Parent Voice

Is an inner coach
Shares positive affirmations (I am enough, I am loved, I am whole)
Provides guidance
Models good communication
Remains calm (reminds me to breathe)
Provides stability
Makes good decisions
Lovingly teaches basic life skills

The Critical Inner Parent Voice

Is judgemental
Compares us to others
Criticizes and lectures
Echoes the voice of our caregivers
Is predominantly dismissive
Withholds respect

What is Reparenting?

Reparenting, also known as self-parenting, is learning how to be the healthy, nurturing, and loving parent that we did not have growing up. It means giving ourselves what our parents or other caregivers did not or could not give us when we were young. We accomplish this by using the tools of recovery.

We all have the ability to become a loving parent to our inner child. Here are some reparenting actions you can include in your daily life:

Perform self-care gently: brush teeth gently, comb hair gently
Secure comfortable and appropriate bedding
Eat healthy, nutritious food
Read books on parenting
Monitor healthcare, and seek medical care when needed
Attend CoDA meetings regularly
Find a CoDA sponsor

What we say to ourselves?

Part of this process is changing our thinking; what thoughts are we having about ourselves?

Is this true?
Is this helpful?
Is this necessary?
Is this kind?

On having their own way. We may identify an inner conflict when we feel:

Immobilized
Indecisive
Emotionally frozen
Unable to choose a defined path

We feel frustrated, resentful, and our codependent behaviors can manifest themselves in our relationships with ourselves and others.

How do we resolve an inner conflict?

First, we recognize that there is an inner conflict, and we accept this fact without judgment. Next, we let go of any expectations regarding the outcome. Then, we use our newly acquired reparenting skills to begin solving the inner conflict. The loving parent takes the time to listen deeply to what the child has to say without comment or criticism, much like we do in a CoDA meeting. The parent then asks the child to listen to them. If the child is unwilling or unable to listen, the parent may need to calmly set some clear communication boundaries. The goal is to reach safe and healthy solutions in order to live in the real world as a whole human being.

Conclusion

Working the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous helps us learn to build a healthy, loving relationship with ourselves, others, and our Higher Power. Many codependents find our inner child work creates balance and harmony, healing the inner child and making us whole. We continue on our journey of self discovery – learning to love the self.

To learn more about inner child work, refer to the full-length CoDA publication: Growing Up in CoDA