Co-Dependents Anonymous UK
Hopeful messages of recovery – the struggles, the victories, and how to continue in this recovery journey. May you find inspiration and hope as you hear from people who have been where you have been. You’re worth it!
CoDA North Texas
Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of people whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships.
CoDA Preamble
The only requirement for member is a desire for healthy and loving relationships
“We admit we are powerless over other people…“
See also:
CoDA Recovery Stories – Step 1
CoDA Recovery Stories – Step 1,2,3
CoDA Minnesota Blog – Step 1
CoDA – Step 1 – pamphlet
CoDA Recovery Stories – The Importance of Working the Steps
CoDA Meetings in Print – What’s Control, What’s Asserting Boundaries?
“Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves…“
See also
CoDA – Step 2 – pamphlet
CoDA Recovery Stories – Coming to Believe
“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over…“
See also
CoDA – Step 3 – pamphlet
CoDA Recovery Prayer
“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves…“
See also
CoDA Recovery Stories – Step 4
The Recovery Patterns
The 40 Questions – Step 4 & 5
CoDA – Step 4 – pamphlet
“Admitted… to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.“
See also
CoDA Recovery Stories – The Rewards of Step 5
CoDA – Step 5 – pamphlet
“Were entirely ready…Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings…“
See also
CoDA – Step 6 – pamphlet
CoDA – Step 7 – pamphlet
Establishing Boundaries in Recovery
“Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends…Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others…“
See also
CoDA – Step 8 – pamphlet
CoDA – Step 9 – pamphlet
“Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong…admitted it…“
See also
Texas CoDA – A Daily Checklist
CoDA – Step 10 – pamphlet
“Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact “
See also
CoDA Recovery Stories – “The Daily Eleventh Step”
CoDA – Step 11 – pamphlet
“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message…“
See also
North Texas CoDA – Honouring the Twelfth Step
CoDA – Step 12 – pamphlet
Dealing with Disagreements
Shared With Thanks – CoDA Shares – By Topic
Step 1,2,3 – 30 Questions
CoDA Recovery Story – Working a Twelve Step Programme When Youre Not Sure About God
CoDA Founders – 12 Steps on a Daily Basis & Self Care
CoDA Founders – Recovering a Relationship with Ourselves Using the 12 Steps
CoDA Reflections – 10 month walk through the steps
Desert CoDA – Chase – Step study notes
Communication and Recovery
CoDA World Service has produced a video to educate the public on what codependency is and to be of service to the codependent who still suffers.
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.
They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
I label others with my negative traits.
I can take care of myself without any help from others.
I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.
I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.
I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I perceive myself as superior to others.
I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
I have trouble setting healthy priorities.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
I accept sexual attention when I want love.
I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.
I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others.
I demand that my needs be met by others.
I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others.
I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.
I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.
I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.
I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.
I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself.
I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
I withhold expressions of appreciation.
The Patterns and Characteristics of Codependency may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be reprinted from the website www.coda.org (CoDA) for use by members of the CoDA Fellowship.
You may be wondering: ‘Am I Co-Dependent?’ ‘What is Co-Dependence?’ Many of us want precise definitions and diagnostic criteria before we will decide. At CoDA, we respectfully allow psychiatric and psychological professionals to provide these, but what we do offer from our own experience are characteristic attitudes and behaviour patterns that describe what our co-dependent histories have been like.
We believe that recovery begins with an honest self-diagnosis. We came to accept our inability to maintain healthy and nurturing relationships with ourselves and others. We began to recognise that the cause lay in long-standing destructive patterns of living. We have found these patterns to fall into four major categories: denial, low self-esteem, compliance and control. The checklist of patterns and characteristics is offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. It may be particularly helpful to newcomers as they begin to understand co-dependence. It may also aid those who have been in recovery for a while to determine what traits still need attention and transformation.
After completing this checklist we suggest that you continue attending CoDA meetings for several weeks. Listen to the similarities and not the differences. Search out members of the fellowship you believe you can trust and discuss your checklist answers with them. If you come to accept that you are, indeed, co-dependent, then you will be ready to begin the Twelve Steps of recovery, and to seek a sponsor to guide you through the process.
Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of people whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships. The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and loving relationships. We gather together to support and share with each other in a journey of self-discovery – learning to love the self. Living the programme allows each of us to become increasingly honest with ourselves about our personal histories and our own co-dependent behaviours.
We rely upon the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions for knowledge and wisdom. These are the principles of our programme and guides to developing honest and fulfilling relationships with ourselves and others. In CoDA, we each learn to build a bridge to a Higher Power of our own understanding, and we allow others the same privilege.
This renewal process is a gift of healing for us. By actively working the programme of Co-Dependents Anonymous, we can each realise a new joy, acceptance and serenity in our lives.
We welcome you to Co-Dependents Anonymous, a program of recovery from codependence, where each of us may share our experience, strength, and hope in our efforts to find freedom where there has been bondage and peace where there has been turmoil in our relationships with others and ourselves.
Most of us have been searching for ways to overcome the dilemmas of the conflicts in our relationships and our childhoods. Many of us were raised in families where addictions existed – some of us were not. In either case, we have found in each of our lives that codependence is a most deeply rooted compulsive behavior and that it is born out of our sometimes moderately, sometimes extremely dysfunctional families and other systems. We have each experienced in our own ways the painful trauma of the emptiness of our childhood and relationships throughout our lives.
We attempted to use others – our mates, friends, and even our children, as our sole source of identity, value and well being, and as a way of trying to restore within us the emotional losses from our childhoods. Our histories may include other powerful addictions which at times we have used to cope with our codependence.
We have all learned to survive life, but in CoDA we are learning to live life. Through applying the Twelve Steps and principles found in CoDA to our daily life and relationships both present and past – we can experience a new freedom from our self defeating lifestyles. It is an individual growth process. Each of us is growing at our own pace and will continue to do so as we remain open to God’s will for us on a daily basis. Our sharing is our way of identification and helps us to free the emotional bonds of our past and the compulsive control of our present.
No matter how traumatic your past or despairing your present may seem, there is hope for a new day in the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous. No longer do you need to rely on others as a power greater than yourself. May you instead find here a new strength within to be that which God intended – Precious and Free.
The Welcome may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be reprinted from the website http://www.coda.org (CoDA)
for use by members of the CoDA Fellowship.
Copyright © 2018 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. and its licensors -All Rights Reserved.
Covers:
Feedback | Crosstalk | Suggestions / Support | General Recommendations
Bearing in mind the spiritual aspect of our admission in the First Step of our powerlessness over others, the CoDA Fellowship Service Manual (FSM) offers guidelines for personal, written, and electronic communications for individual members and groups, including those engaging in outreach and fellowship service work.
The following statement is to be read before the meeting opens for general sharing
When many of us were growing up no-one listened to us. We were told our feelings were wrong or that they did not matter. We were often interrupted and criticised.
As adults we are used to taking care of other people and not taking responsibility for our own lives.
So in our meetings we speak about our own experiences and feelings. We listen without comment to what others say because it is true for them. In this way we work towards taking responsibility for our own lives, rather than giving advice to others.
It is important for our recovery to know that we can share without fear of interruption, contradiction or criticism.
Crosstalk and feedback are strongly discouraged in CoDA, since as codependents we are working to break away from dependency on what others think, feel or advise.
Crosstalk infringes on boundaries, and many people find crosstalk or feedback unsafe. When we ask for no crosstalk, we have set a boundary in order to create a safe environment. No crosstalk nurtures recovery rather than codependency. It reminds us to focus on our own recovery rather than be distracted with helping or controlling others.
If a previous member’s share echoes within you and inspires you to speak, we suggest you stick to the ‘general topics’ you identify with, only. If you would like to speak to someone about something they have shared, please do so after the meeting, asking their consent first.
The secretary may read these guidelines again to remind members of this CoDA principle. Please do not be upset or embarrassed if this happens – it is only to maintain the safety of the room, to help us identify codependent behaviour and further our recoveries and awareness of this principle.
If you think these guidelines have been violated or are not being observed, please ask the secretary to read them again at the end of that particular share.
To be read during meeting, AFTER a specific share
We would like to gently remind the group that all feedback, including positive comment, is discouraged, since as codependents we are working to establish our own realities and opinions free from the judgement, advice and opinions of other people, even those we love and respect. This is not a criticism but only a reminder and a useful tool to preserve the safety of the room and further our recovery from codependency.
We would like to gently remind the group that crosstalk or mentioning people by name is discouraged in CoDA, as we all have a right to share without fear of being misinterpreted or having our boundaries violated.
We would like to gently remind the group that we are encouraged to further our personal recovery from codependency by refraining from using the word ‘you’, ‘we’ or ‘one’ in our sharing and instead, keep the focus on our own recovery by using ‘I’ statements. Changing the language we use in meetings and working to keep the focus on ourselves is a valuable tool in recognising and nurturing our own reality and identity.
All meeting secretaries need to be aware of possible procedures they may need to action should the following ensue. Some or all suggestions could either be included in the preamble or be available for reference as a separate document.
Event: If someone insists on attending a meeting from which they have been excluded
e.g. a man at a women’s meeting
It is suggested that Tradition Four should be reiterated. Each group is supported in its right to be autonomous. If ineligible persons insist on attending, an immediate group conscience may be called to agree on possible actions e.g. including the person in the meeting, opening the membership to all people in the future, asking that person to leave, adjourning or relocating the meeting on that day or calling on an outside agency (police or venue manager) for support as required.
Event: If a member behaves aggressively or abusively during the meeting
It is suggested that this particular member should be advised that they may be asked to leave by immediate group conscience which may be called by any member. This supports tradition one where our common welfare comes first. Some venues may have policies on tolerating abusive/aggressive behaviour and these policies could be read out if necessary. They should be printed out and located somewhere accessible to the secretary (e.g. in the folder).
Event: If a member shares in a way which another member finds offensive
It is important to consider Tradition One: Our common welfare should come first, personal recovery depends upon CoDA unity. Members should take their own inventory and balance the possible harm to them in continuing to listen to the speaker or possible harm to the speaker by interrupting his/her share. Any member may call an immediate group conscience. In a group conscience, principles are placed before personalities, issues are discussed and any actions agreed and acted upon. Alternatively, members may choose to leave the meeting on the day temporarily or permanently. Similarly, members may ask the secretary to re-read the guidelines at the end of that person’s share, rather than interrupting.
Event: If a member finds it hard to access suitable meetings or share and behave appropriately at meetings
It is suggested that the member should be informed that all members have access to online meetings (website addresses), CoDA literature, and arrangement of sponsoring relationships when attending meetings is difficult or inadvisable.
It is proposed that all meetings should review their guidelines to sharing to ensure that they have the following incorporated:
See also
Healthy Meetings – handbook
For Safety’s Sake – guidelines
Communication & Recovery
CoDA.org – Online communications guidelines
Updates made – November 2022 – by NSC & Sponsorship committees – indicated with asterix
Background
The Disclosure and Barring Service and Scottish Government have confirmed that fellowship members do not require DBS or Disclosure Scotland check for 12th Stepping or Sponsorship, as they are members of self-regulating groups. As individuals, however, fellowship members should be aware of their duty of care to others and hence follow the law and best practice on safeguarding, when acting in the fellowship’s name.
This guidance has been updated following recent high-profile cases in the wider charity sector which have prompted the need to review and further strengthen safeguarding standards within the Fellowship.
The basic principle
Everyone should recognise that all individuals, regardless of age, disability, gender, racial heritage, religious belief, sexual orientation and identity, have a right to equal protection from all types of harm and abuse.
Who the guidance protects?
This Guidance applies to the safeguarding of all fellowship members or those who fellowship members encounter when acting in the fellowship’s name, including those under the age of 18 (minor) or any vulnerable adults who may be members of the fellowship.
Disseminating best practice
It is suggested that a copy of a version of this Guidance should be available at each meeting and copies can be obtained on request for every new (and existing) fellowship member. Also reference to the existence of a safeguarding policy could be mentioned in the script?
It is vital that all Group Secretaries understand and learn about safeguarding and protection issues within the context of the fellowship in order to ensure a safe environment for members and those who members encounter when acting in the fellowship’s name.
New members
Meetings with new members to the fellowship:
Sponsors
Fellowship members are not legally required to obtain a DBS Certificate in order to act as a Sponsor.
However, Sponsors are encouraged to consider their legal and moral responsibility to themselves, prospective sponsees, and the fellowship when considering whether accepting a particular sponsee is in the best interest of those involved.
Reporting safeguarding concerns
If any fellowship member believes they are being abused or knows/suspects that another fellowship member is being abused/abusing someone else, they should consider taking the following action(s), as appropriate:
Preserve any evidence
Report all concerns to the:
Group Secretary and/or any Group member;
Local Authority Adult Social Care team (about a vulnerable adult); and/or
Local Authority Children’s Services team (about a minor)
In an emergency, if there is immediate risk of abuse call 999.
If there is any doubt about whether a situation amounts to abuse, members of the group should ask the advice of their Local Authority Safeguarding Lead.
CoDA has produced a new thirty question tool to aid newcomers to begin working steps 1, 2, and 3.
Thirty Questions – Getting Started working the steps as easy as 123
See also CoDA – authored guide to working the steps as a group
The first CoDA meeting attended by 30 people was held on 22 October 1986 in Phoenix, Arizona. Within four weeks there were 100 people and before the year was up there were 120 groups. CoDA held its first National Service Conference the next year with 29 representatives from seven states. CoDA has now has meetings active in 60 other countries and online.
CoDA has been a presence in the UK since the beginning of the 1990’s – when two original CoDA members – took their strong Fellowship beliefs (and their Higher Power) to a CoDA Retreat in Holland and returned with their inspired Experience, Strength and Hope and determination to Carry the Message of CoDA Recovery back to the UK.
First CoDA Newsletter “Bear Facts” – October 1987
CoDA Founder Shares (2007 >)
First CoDA Website
CoDA.org – Find an International meeting
Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc
CoDA – Meeting in Print
CoDA Australasia
CoDA Brazil
CoDA Canada
CoDA Columbia
CoDA Farsi
CoDA France
CoDA Germany
CoDA Iceland
CoDA Ireland
CoDA Israel
CoDA Italy
CoDA Mexico
CoDA Netherlands
CoDA Russia CoDA Russia
CoDA South Africa
CoDA Spain
Region sites
CoDA Arizona
Desert CoDA
LA CoDA
NorCal CoDA
CoDA Portland, Oregon and Metro Area
SoCal CoDA
I can expect a miraculous change in my life by working the programme of Co-Dependents Anonymous. As I make an honest effort to work the Twelve Steps and follow the Twelve Traditions:
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Grant me patience with the changes that take time
Appreciation of all that I have
Tolerance of those with different struggles
And the strength to get up and try again
One day at a time
Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of people whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships. The only requirement for member is a desire for healthy and loving relationships
CoDA Preamble
CoDA offers a set of free leaflets covering newcomers, those working the steps, sponsorship and beyond, which you can download below.
NB: Certain conditions on your computer, such as security settings or browser cookies, can prevent you from viewing a PDF. Find out more.
Introductory material
Am I Codependent?
Your First Meeting
Attending Meetings
What is CoDA?
Welcome to Co-Dependents Anonymous
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence
Introductory material also available in:
Farsi | French | German | Hebrew |
Icelandic | Italian | Portugese | Russian | Spanish
CoDA recovery
CoDA Canada – Words of Recovery
Codependency & Recovery – The Differences
CoDA Canada – Tools of Recovery
Recovery from Codependence – An Introduction
Communication and Recovery
Establishing Boundaries in Recovery
Working the Steps
CoDA – Thirty Questions
CoDA Australia – First 14 Days
CoDA Canada – Newcomers Package
CoDA Step prayers
CoDA Member Shares (By Step)
Service / Recovery
Sponsorship in CoDA
CoDA Canada – Starting a New Meeting
Twelve Service Concepts
The Twelve Service Concepts – Alive and Strong
Using the Twelve Traditions
Pending Conference Approval
2022 – Forty Questions – for CoDA steps 4 and 5
CoDAteen – Preamble
Parental letter for permission
CoDAteen – Minimal Safety & Behavioural Requirements
CoDAteen – Meeting Handbook
CoDAteen – Step Study Guide
See also
CoDA – Big Book – Free Sample
CoDA – In this Moment – Daily Meditation Book – Free Sample
CoDA – Big Book – Pocket Edition – Audible – Free Sample
CoDA UK Free Posters
Prepare your own CoDA UK Poster – (opens in free package called Figma) – instructions in page
Email publicinformation@codauk.org if you’d like assistance